Lyrics:

Sit down, pour a drink,
I’ve a story to tell
‘Bout a villain who plays
Heads-Up 50 NL.

I’d been crushing the game,
Had a big winning session.
Zigging and zagging
With guile and aggression.

Just fifteen more minutes
‘Fore hitting the sack,
When a new guy sat in,
With a full fifty stack.

We traded some pots
But then I flopped three threes.
A bet, raise and call
Just as fast as you please.

On the turn he snap-called
The huge bet that I made,
But then donk-shoved the river,
Which had brought the third spade.

I called and he showed down
A flush, seven-high,
And then raked in the chips.
Just keep chasing, thought I.

Then shrugged and reloaded -
I’m used to hard knocks.
But thats when these words
Popped up in the chat box:

MY NAME IS CH3CKRAISE
AND I SAY BING BLANG BLAOW!
I JUST TOOK YOUR MONEY
I TOOK IT, AND HOW!

COULD HAVE USED IT FOR FOOD
BUT NOW I’VE GOT YOUR FIDDY!
THINK ILL CASH IT AND RUB-
RUB-RUB-RUB ON MY T1TTY!

My jaw hit the ground.
I bit off a retort.
No need to trade barbs
With this douchey poor sport.

I’d get it all back
Plus more with no guilt.
Takes more than one beat
To put this pro on tilt.

Didn’t have to wait long
Made a big overbet
But top pair no good
This time HE had the set.

MY NAME IS CH3CKRAISE
AND I SAY BING BLANG BLAOW!
IT LOOKS LIKE I’VE FOUND
A PERSONAL CASH COW!

YOU THINK I’M A DONKEY,
YOU THINK I’M A NOOB.
BUT WITH TWO FIDDY DOLLARS,
I’VE GOT ONE FOR EACH BOOB!

Did he really say that?
Was this some kind of joke?
Thats one more full buy-in
To go up in smoke!

No worries, he’d find out
With whom hed been messin’.
Twas time to dig in,
Teach this A-hole a lesson!

I asked him to open
One more table or two.
Cant lose since hes playing
81 / 62!

In ten minutes things
Went from awful to worst
And another three buy-ins
Had followed the first.

Who was this fool,
This lunatic punk?
Was he cheating somehow?
Was he high? Was he drunk?

My suited Ace-Queen,
Got run down by Ace-Deuce.
Had to listen again
To his verbal abuse.

Gnashing my teeth,
I tried to ignore
The bile coming from
This delusional whore.

But my bluffs got picked off,
And my traps went unsprung.
Until finally I just
Could not hold my tongue.

So far I’d played nice,
Remained civil til now.
But I’d had quite enough
Of his dumb BING BLANG BLAOW!

You $%@#-sucking *&^#!
Your mothers a %@&!
I’ll find you – I’ll cut you
For your little stunt!

My fingers were shaking.
I typed out more curses.
But he only responded
With those juvenile verses:

MY NAME IS CH3CKRAISE,
AND I SAY BING BLANG BLAOW!
GOT ENOUGH OF YOUR DOUGH
FOR A HOOKER BY NOW!

REQUEST FOR THE CASH,
A QUICK TRIP TO THE BANK,
AND THEN I’LL BE BANGIN’
TANISHA THE SKANK!

My descent into madness
Then got out of hand.
By the time it was dawn
I’d lost more than a grand.

He finally quit,
And I staggered to bed.
But no sleep did I get
With that song in my head.

An entire months profits -
Flushed down the tube!
Or rather, got rubbed
On this maniac’s boob.

Let this be a lesson,
Dont play in a haze.
Control your emotions
And avoid the Ch3ckraise.

Be sure to watch these videos in fullscreen HD.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Have a question about a hand I played?  Post it on the AnskyPoker.com HU Forums!

Here are the lyrics.

I just stacked that dude
Man, that’s another 50 bucks today
Bing blang blaow
You know for now
Bing blang blaow
Is in the house, yea yea yea yea
Checkraise is in the house
Just won 50 dollars from you
I got your money now
So much for buying food
And I’m gonna cash it out
Rooo roo rooo rooo rooo
And rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Cash out on my titties

I’m gonna start this out with bing blang blaow
Checkraise, 3 in the house
I just won 50 dollars from you
That you couldv’e used to buy some food
But you can’t now
Cause im gonna cash it out
And rub it on my titties
so pretty
Like the feeling of the crisp new bill press against my tit
That I just won from Annette
I’m heads up master and I’m dropping this rhyme
But you haters know
That I’ll take you on
And I’ll kick your ass
And take your blinds
At any stake at any site at any time
So when I hit my boomswitch so i can stack a fish and I’m a huge bitch
Cause i know hit that youll pay me off because I called your river bet with nothing but a flush draw

Gimme some of that bing blang blaow
Bing blang blaow
Cash cash cash it out
I got your money now
I just won all your money
Gonna cash it out
Rub it on my tittes
Rub it on my tittes

You know your a donkey right
You’ve just been running hot all night
What’s wrong with you, give me an answer
I hope your mom gets cancer
Your a joke and no doubt you’ll lose that money plus more before you ever cash out
Oh yea, well you can kiss my ass I’ll let you know whats gonna happen to your cash
I ain’t a donk, I’ve been around for a while
And i got the proof — documents on file
I’m gonna cash it out through the bankwire
I can see it now, I got a bankwire
Let it build up my payment requests
Just a matter of time before I rub it on my chest
You wanna rematch, you wanna lose again?
Maybe
You call, gonna be all over baby
Second wonderful time, with the bing blang blaow
Bing blang blaow
Masters in the house
I got your money now
Just won 50 dollars from you
I’m gonna cash it out
I’m gonna use it to buy some food
I’m gonna rub it on my titties
I’m gonna rub rub rub rub rub rub rub
Rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Rub it on my titties
Cash out on my titties

Dear checkraise, we are pleased to inform you that all the necessary documentation is on file and your withdrawal request for 100 dollar has been approved.
Your payment will be processed as a bankwirte to checking account number (beep) 87.  Please allow 7 days for processing.

50 dollars
Bankwire
ATM
Titties

Update: Ch3ckraise and Drybes are working on a new version of Bing Blang Blaow with some witty poker innuendos, 2+2 memes, etc. Check out the 30-second preview at PokerTableRatings.

The Good

1. Cardrunners probably has the biggest selection of HU videos — 94 videos in all.  You can get to the HU video section by clicking on the “Advanced Search Options” link.

CardRunners Search

2.  CardRunners has a killer lineup of heads up instructors including CTS, Green Plastic, INTERNET POKERS, sbrugby, Stinger, and MasterLJ.

The Bad

1. You can’t sort the search results.  It would be really nice to be able to sort the videos by the average rating.

2.  You can’t see how many people rated a video.  I’d rather watch a video whose average rating is 9.2 with 100 votes than a video whose average rating 9.3 with 2 votes.

3.  You can’t put the videos on your iPhone (damn DRM protection).

The Ugly

1.  It’s a bit hard to stay motivated to watch an hour long video when I want to get in there and start playing.  I’m not quite sure why an hour long video is the industry standard.

2.  The $99 setup fee sucks.

3.  Doesn’t really make sense to pay $27.99 every single month.  There’s just not a whole lot of new HU videos being released monthly.

What do you think about CardRunners?  What are your favorite videos?

Rumnchess vs CantBustThis Heads Up NL Video

I’m not quite sure why they released it for free, but maybe their hoping to build their reputation and eventually get picked up by a poker coaching site.  I’m just happy I get to see two really good players duke it out and get some insight into what they’re thinking.

Here are the download mirrors:
Mirror 1

Getting the video set up was a bit of a hassle, but since it’s free, I couldn’t really complain.  Anyway, I needed to use VideoLAN to see the video, but the good news is that it’s a super quick download and install.  The audio wasn’t working for some reason using VideoLAN, but it did work using Windows Media Player (no video though) so I ran WMP in the background.

As always, share your thoughts, comments, and questions.